We were hoping that the doctor gives us an assurance of one healthy baby at least but none of the options put forward guaranteed that. Pros and cons of each laparoscopic surgery were explained to us, and we were suggested to follow TTTS Facebook page for any motivation or knowledge. Ravi and I are totally sad and unclear on what to decide. We were also told that we don't have much time as I was nearing 20 weeks gestation which is halfway through pregnancy. One thing we observed was that the doctor was neither concerned about my well-being(considering the effects of laparoscopy on me) nor was trying to put 100% effort into saving both the babies(which she is actually supposed to do because she claims she's an expert in Fetal Medicine).
Before leaving from there with a heavy heart, we were reminded that if we were to opt for selective Fetal reduction (means terminating unhealthy twin1 with no 100% guarantee of delivering healthy twin2), we must visit the centre within the next 2 weeks and get admitted for the procedure.
We reached home in the afternoon at 3:30PM and took a nap. I woke up at 6 in the evening, still on the bed burst into tears. Ravi tried to console me, but I was uncontrollable. My mom started calling me
continuously as I didn't answer her calls twice when at BFMC. Look at how she sensed something was wrong just by my way of handling the phone!! Moms are marvelous, Aren't they?🙏❤️
Ravi answered her call, explained everything to my parents and later to his parents. My dad called me later to assure me that everything is going to be fine and insisted I stay strong hearted. He told me to listen to Vishnu Sahasranamam and Lalitha Sahasranamam (His way of calming me when things go out of control).
It was 10:30PM and we just slept. All of a sudden, my phone rang, my heart was pounding to take the call, it was from BFMC. The lady who called seemed to be an assistant of the doctor had asked me "Have you decided on whether to opt for laser ablation or Fetal reduction?
Decide fast and come tomorrow as we don’t have time" and just hung up
the call. I became so furious at them (BFMC doctors) for being so inconsiderate and insensitive of our state of mind and feelings. I wondered if this is the way they talk to a pregnant woman, with zero empathy and most importantly why are they hurrying us to take a decision when we have 2 weeks of time??? That's when we've lost trust on this hospital.
8th August 2019 I tried to get in contact with the Facebook TTTS page. I sent all the reports to the page admin Mary Slaman. She gave me the contact details of the best fetal medicine doctor Quintero but unfortunately, he is from the US and I couldn't travel outside India. So, help from these guys is ruled out. But they said that I can continue till 26 weeks gestation without any surgery relying completely on bed rest and high protein drinks (contrary to what BFMC guys told).
You can find below the screenshots of my conversation with the doctor Quintero and Mary Slaman.👇
Finally, we’ve decided to consult our initial doctor SV Kameshwari for a second opinion.
13th August 2019 - It was Ravi's birthday, his parents arrived to help us in this uncertainty, and we were lacking enthusiasm to celebrate his birthday. We flew down to Hyderabad that evening and reached my sister-in-law's house.
14th August 2019 - We got the 2nd round of scans done for double confirmation, but nothing changed.
15th August 2019 - On Independence Day after flag hoisting at the clinic, we met the doctor and showed her all the reports.
I was accompanied by my sister-in-law, father-in-law and Ravi and we all were waiting eagerly for what the doctor would suggest to us on the way forward. She shot some questions to me and the answers made us take a heart-rending decision.
Questions👇
1. Shanti would you consider yourself lucky enough for conceiving twins naturally while there are a lot of women struggling for years to conceive naturally?
I said, "I am not sure". Doctor said "yes, you should be, so don’t take this as the end of the world and try to see beyond this hardship".
2. Do you have 100% surety that you will be delivering healthy babies after performing laparoscopic surgery given the statistics of outcome?
I said "No".
3. Would you be able to take the responsibility of raising a child with special needs?
I said "No" because let's be very frank guys this is no movie and if I knowingly bring into this world a baby with special needs, then that's going to be a sin.
4. What if something goes wrong during surgery and you end up with a scar on the uterus and you become infertile forever?
I was silent because I understood the seriousness.
After listening to my answers, ruling out all the earlier options, she said "I know it’s going to be tough for you and your family, but this is the only better way out, let's abort the babies".
Yes, you heard it right, aborting both the babies.
Teary eyed I started asking "But doctor how can I.....". I couldn't even speak while holding back my emotions. She held my hand and said, "if you ask me to choose between mother and baby, I will undeniably go for mother because if not now your baby can come a little late, but there's no baby if there's no mother, Trust Me".
I couldn't agree more with her words. I could see her concern for me in her eyes which I didn't see in BFMC doctors. At that moment I felt as if my mom was speaking to me, because who else is concerned about us more than our Mom?
The entire conversation with her made me realize the difference between both the doctors I consulted.
We were keeping my parents posted about the updates. After coming home
as I was still not ready to accept what had happened, my mother-in-law asked me just one question "Sahitya do you want to cry for entire life, or do you want to cry for few days and overcome this" I found solace in her words and my parents also said, "we are with you no matter what". I felt I was surrounded by the right people around me. After a lot of sobbing and taking my time I finally made my mind to take the hard step and sadly that day being my birthday, 18th August.
18th August 2019 - At 2:30PM we reached the airport to catch a flight to Visakhapatnam. Ravi couldn't come along with me due to his work commitments after his onsite assessment. "We both are going to get over this and rise like a phoenix from ashes. Love you!!" These were his words before I left for Vizag. My brother had come to pick me up from the airport. I reached home and my dad couldn't control his tears looking at my tiny baby bump of 18 weeks.
19th August - I was admitted in the hospital and was given misoprostol pills at 12 noon, 4pm and 9:30pm to induce pains, so that the lining of the womb breaks leading to loss of pregnancy. The truth that I have
to go through labor pains only to give birth to lifeless babies hit me hard. The emotional trauma I had to endure cannot be explained in words. I started getting contractions from night 9:30pm till next day
6am and at 9:30am the babies were "expelled".
12 hours of labor pain and what I gained at the end is the sight of my dead little babies, they were bloodstained and one being smaller than the other due to TTTS. The only thing that was running through my mind was "why am I not lucky enough to carry these beautiful babies in my arms for life!!!" God why have you chosen me for this, why does it have to be me?"
Someone advised me not to look at the babies once they are delivered fearing I might go unconscious but hey I am their mother and they are my children , my Daisy babies after all. If not me, who else would be having their backs at their lowest point. I still have their photo with me which I took in the labor room... their only memory alive with this mom.
I apologized them for my helplessness, bid an emotional farewell and headed out of the labor room grieving but hoping for something good to happen because “Hope is a powerful force”
PS: Sorry for a very long post but I had to keep it real and also, I wanted to 'show' you guys what I went through by my writings instead of simply writing.
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